love is suicide...

shit's weak.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 14:36:03 GMT

im up way too early...i hate it when i have to do laundry in the middle of the week.
and in other news, whoever keeps posting comments on my journal anonymously, its rather entertaining. so keep on being a whore, you're making my day.

so, here's the thing...

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 12:42:51 GMT

its fuckin 8:30 in the morning and im wide awake. anyone who knows me, knows that i dont exist before noon. i went to bed at like 4 (as usual) but i could never get to sleep because my air conditioner was making all kinds of stupid noises. it was kind of a mix of like cricket chirps and mouthwash gargles. so im running all these reasons through my head why i cant turn it off...like the heat, obviously...and i realized that even if it was silent in the room i wouldnt fall asleep because the sun is really bright outside my window and i dont have any curtains (even with the blinds closed its bright as hell in there). and to top it all off, no matter where i sleep, its a gamble anymore because my legs twitch non-stop (i think its restless leg syndrome...but i have no insurance so i try to just suck it up and deal with it).

so, after i gave up and decided to start my day six hours early with no sleep at all, i got to wondering how i ever fall asleep at all, and why this last night was so different...because the more i think about it, these conditions arent new, theyre pretty much the norm...

and then i realized that this was one of maybe three nights in the past month/month and a half that i havent been wasted. apparently my room has been unfit to sustain human life for quite some time now, i just havent noticed/cared because ive just been passing out every night.

theres no real point to any of this, i just thought it was kinda funny how abuse and neglect just kinda worked everything out for me.

so i guess as long as i live in this house i cant go to bed sober.

i should have asked for curtains and a new AC for my bday.

life rules.

i've got a tombstone head, a graveyard mind...only 22 and i dont mind dyin'

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 16:32:48 GMT

who do you love?

another year gone...22 now.

if i had just stayed the course i would have had something to show for it. but that shit sucked, so im pretty much back where i started last year. thats kinda where im most comfortable i think, right on the threshold of doing the right thing. cuz if i did what's best for me, id be all grown up, and who wants that? so i just drink a lot. its pretty sweet.

hope i die before i get old.

Wed, 23 May 2007 15:37:54 GMT

i found my breaking point. full time @ pitt ohio for fifty, sometimes sixty hours a week for a few months is enough to break my spirits...and im not ashamed.

fuck your free benefits, i wouldnt need them if you didnt make me kill myself every day.
fuck your 401k...i dont feel like saving money yet anyway.

my boss has been saying all this shit to try and scare me into staying full time, but hes really just scared to lose people. cuz i can go over his head and talk to the people in the company who are actually involved with the shit hes talking about, and they tell me what i need to know.

so im part time again soon. and if i find someting to do in the mornings, im switching to no time.

and im still trying to find anything good enough to keep me from going to college. cuz im starting to realize i probably should have done that lol. but im gonna go down fighting. theyll never take me alive.

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 15:43:04 GMT

i havent posted on here in like 55 years, so i thought i should...

but dont expect anything worthwhile.
i cant really think of anything to type.
cuz everyone knows whats been going on recently anyways, or at least everyone worth telling.

now i remember why i never use this.

all i wanna say is that i really wanna go camping.
who's down?
lets get in touch with nature, or what's left of it.

oh my god, you're wierd.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 14:44:11 GMT

grand buffet last night at the ottobar...
kicked frickin ass.
and you werent there.
shut up.

now you see me, now you dont...

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 15:00:43 GMT

work
work
work
work
work

thats kinda how my life is nowadays. with better paychecks for the weekends as a small footnote. i dont mind though, i kinda feel like im getting somewhere for the first time in....ever.

being in a good mood is kinda neat. i kinda fixed the one major stress i had going on, so everything else just feels like pointless details, and theyre all easy to dismiss.

now i've got it fixed
so you'll never notice me looking back.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 15:01:41 GMT

its too cold outside to live.
i just wanna be comfortable.
i wish i still lived in the desert.
their winters are fuckin pleasant.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 02:51:52 GMT

dear lj,

i wish i had something positive to share with you.
i hate everything.
eat a dick.

sincerely,
everyone's favorite back-up plan.

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 17:25:35 GMT

sitting at home doing nothing...
its a new weekend hobby that i've been getting kinda used to.
im not really asking for it, it just kinda happens.
and im learning to enjoy the alone time a little.
most of the time i dont do this.
but the change of pace is refreshing.

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:41:34 GMT

didnt do much of anything this weekend. god dammit.
but at least im not broke.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 17:45:01 GMT

sometimes i need to remind myself that i act on behalf of my own best interest.
and that other people act on theirs, first and foremost.
cuz i dont always.
and i need to stop accepting other people's arguments before my own.

that's all.

reinforcement.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 17:38:13 GMT

every time i go a while without listening to a perfect circle, and then listen to it on a whim a few months later...there's always a song or two that reaches me real deep. i always find one with lyrics that help me with whatever's going on.

THE STRANGER

Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity while I formulate
Denials of your affect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
Won't you move away you fucking tornado
I'm better off without you
Tearing my will down

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:17:47 GMT

today is brandon brown's bday. so im gonna take him to make his first legal alcohol purchase. its gonna be sweet. like a milestone and shit.

and then tonight is his party. ive been looking forward to this shit for a while. i took off work lol.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:00:31 GMT

i really enjoy xmas...but this shopping thing is ruining the spirit for me, as usual. id like nothing more than to be able to have gifts for everyone i care about, but for the second year in a row, i dont think that'll be possible. it kinda puts me in a bad mood trying to decide who gets something and who doesnt. cuz i dont wanna play favorites.

maybe ill sell my bass or something for a little extra holiday money...that might work.

im just really glad my parents got me the grinch on dvd last year...cuz now i have something christmasy to watch leading up to the holiday.

and that's totally the best christmas movie. the REAL one...fuck that jim carrey re-make.

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 17:29:54 GMT

i laid in bed too long...and now i feel all shitty. and i have things to do today before i go to work. awesome.

my brothers loud ass girlfriend just left, and so far thats the only good thing thats happened all day.

bitch.

the slowpoke catching up...

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 18:02:20 GMT

im kinda starting to realize something...
and its pretty obvious on the surface, something that everyone would say they have figured out. but im not so sure that everyone would really live it to the fullest when the time came. but im not sure actually, cuz i do take a long time to get around to shit.

anyways, im realizing that my feelings dont really have the power to change anything. i've always kinda grown up thinking that if i believe in something strongly enough, and put forth the right effort, that anything is possible(whether i did this always or not is beside the point). but thats pretty childish and naive. and like i said before, everyone knows that...if you can look at a situation objectively and without bias. but i think that once you're involved in something, your vision gets kinda skewed.

so now im seeing a little more clearly, and admitting some things that i didnt even want to consider before.

what i do with this new-found sight remains to be seen. cuz i've always had all the shit in the world to say, but never any follow-through.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 17:48:35 GMT

im sitting here trying to make up a resume, and i feel like a dumbass.
cuz no matter how i word it, i look like shit on paper.
i dont know how to do anything. nothing to offer.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 17:57:54 GMT

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 17:31:54 GMT

im currently feeling that virtues like honesty and integrity go hand in hand with frailty and vulnerability. so with that said, im not suprised that the former traits are so reluctant to show themselves.

i might step up and do the right thing, im just constantly afraid of whats waiting for me there. i guess for better or worse ill always win something if i do what i judge to be right.

im pretty glad i took some me time this weekend, cuz i rarely ever make time for that. and im not just talking about being by myself, its what i do with the time that matters. so in that respect i think it was long overdue, and im starting to feel a little better about things.

i took a long walk with tony last night too. that was cool, cuz i hadnt seen him for a while and it was cool to catch up.

i think a little faith in myself goes a long way...cuz after a while it starts to lend itself to other things, and i feel better about those too.

i cant make up my mind.

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 18:10:12 GMT

i kinda miss playing bass. after tony's band kinda faded off i decided i missed playing guitar. but im sorta done with that. i think ive gotten as good as im ever gonna get with that. ive been playing guitar since i was 13...i dont think im gonna learn anything new. but bass is fun...i like it. i think if i get this new job i applied for, im gonna buy an amp and try to find a band to play bass in.

but then id probably just quit the band after a month cuz i miss playing guitar again, and id piss everybody off.

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 18:44:50 GMT

if i could go back like 5 or 6 years into the past, knowing what i know now, about myself, and other people...and all that shit, i totally would. i'd live it all over again and change mad details.

that would kick ass.

cuz the way things have turned out...its not workin too well for me.

and most of it is just a product of mistakes or choices ive made.

the past is something that i obviously can't change, but for some reason i seem to dwell on it more than i live in the present.

maybe ill just try to do better from now on.
in EVERYTHING.

but we'll see.
cuz i'm all talk, no action.
most of the time.

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 16:46:55 GMT

I've got a feeling 21 is gonna be a good year,
especially if you and me see it in together...
So you think 21 is gonna be a good year?
Maybe for me and her, but you and her, no never.
Got no reason to be over-optimistic,
But somehow when you smile i can brave bad weather.

whine-ass

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 16:52:59 GMT

i dont really remember what it's like to have peaceful, untroubled thoughts. i dont know where to find that kind of peace any more, or what calms me down enough to a relaxed state. there used to be something i did to calm me down in times like this, but as time went on i never got any better at it, and i really wanted to learn more. but with my lack of ability staring me in the face, it felt like a cruel joke that i had played on myself. so i rejected it, and cursed myself for starting in the first place. now i can only do it to amuse freinds. but never myself. i can find no joy in anything.

i should have taken some advice i received a few months ago. to the naive it would have seemed like bitterness, but to those of us who know each other well enough, it would make perfect sense. i know why i pressed on...hope. there is none.

but who the fuck wants to accept that?
honestly?

i want to drink outside the parameters of my tolerance. on purpose. so i can stop thinking.

but the fact of the matter is i can't go to work like that. so it'll have to wait.

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 16:29:22 GMT

I wanna live
I wanna give
I've been a miner for a heart of gold
It's these expressions
I cannot give
that keep me searchin' for a heart of gold
but im gettin' old...

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold
I've been in my mind
It's such a fine line
that keeps me searchin' for a heart of gold
but im gettin' old...